It’s three a.m., and as I cannot fall back to sleep I decided this is as good of time as any to continue my blog. I spent twelve hours creating a template and trying to figure out the technical aspects of setting up a blog on Dreamweaver today. Then I discovered the whole thing was available instantly on my new Mac. Who knew? It was all very frustrating, but the good news is I can soon begin posting this live.
I suppose it’ not the first time I took the difficult rout when a much simpler one was available right in front of me. I guess it’s all a matter of knowing. Or perhaps it’s more a matter of knowing enough to ask? Asking for help is not something that comes easy for me. It must run in the family. I spoke with my mother yesterday. I have been worried about my parents, especially in this last week. When Mom returned my call, I told her I was concerned and that I knew something was wrong. She finally broke down and told me. My father and my brother had both been diagnosed with the same terminal cancer.
She was a little taken aback when I told her that I already knew. Her first response was, “How could you know? You felt it didn’t you? I don’t why I’m surprised, I’m sorry. I should have known you would feel it anyway. It’s in your bones, always has been. I just didn’t want to tell you because of Jack and…”
“It’s alright Mom,” I assured her. “I’m still working through it, but I am alright. Right now, I’m a lot more concerned about you.” She went on about how strong I was and that beneath my fragile appearance I had a backbone of steel. “When I tell people that,” she insisted. “They take one look at you and never believe me. But, it’s true. Most people would have folded a long time ago under your circumstances.” While I do appreciate her confidence in me, I don’t really believe there is anything in me, including my bones that ever felt very solid. I think maybe the only reason my bones haven’t broken and fallen apart yet is because they’re just plain pliable. I guess I should be grateful for that. Someone up there must have known how many changes life would be bringing me.
I went on to try and convince my mother that it was time for her to ask for help. I knew it was hard for her, she always saw herself as the helper, not the helpee. She had been a counselor herself at one time, and a volunteer at hospice. You would think that might make it easier, but somehow it never occurred to her that counseling and support wasn’t just for others in need. I attempted to counter all her objections and she finally promised to set up an appointment with a counselor at a hospice. I wanted to make the call myself, but I knew that it had to come from her.
I haven’t said a word about my father or my brother. Truth is I don’t think I can grasp those thoughts just yet. I actually woke up seeing father’s face. I only hope I can get back to Miami soon.
I finally fell back to sleep for a little while. I don’t how my daughter does it with a new baby, a full time job and so little sleep. I must have done the same thing when my children were young. It just didn’t seem quite so hard. Then again, if mothers didn’t tend to remember only the good parts, there would be a lot more “only” children in this world. Well, the sun is up and I hear my cardinal calling out his morning cheers. I guess it’s time to get back to Mac and see what I can do to help spread his message.