Confessions of a Depressed Person

Young OnesJEveryday I wake up tired, tired of being tired, tired of life, tired of even the smallest things. Ugh, the laundry, you mean I really have to take a shower?  Everything seems like work--the shower, putting away the laundry, putting on normal clothes instead of my sweatpants and t-shirt with no bra.  Leaving the house? Are you kidding me?? The traffic, stupid people everywhere, the line at the grocery store or the woman who stands and talks so loudly on her phone that it sounds like nails on a chalkboard?? I think I will skip that…skip it today, and probably tomorrow too.  I just want to sleep, yet at the same time I feel bored and restless, but the thought of leaving the house and having to function seems like more work than reward, and so my depression wins.

 I feel angry or sad all the time. I can’t pinpoint its origin, but I know that if I am not feeling annoyed at why my boyfriend can’t read my mind and understand that I don’t want to watch Walking Dead, without me having to say anything, then I am crying my eyes out, for no apparent reason. Maybe I feel sad because I have been so angry lately, maybe I am crying because my DVR didn’t record the latest episode of Boardwalk Empire…who knows? I know that the sadness feels unbearable; it feels like it is swallowing me up and I can’t get out. Is this what despair looks like? I never thought I would feel something like despair. Despair always seemed to me like the homeless, skinny person begging for food on the side of the road; I am not that person, my life isn’t that bad, I don’t have the right to be this sad. But I am. I really honestly am. And it feels so deep and never ending; that I can’t even put it into words.  My life feels like an inconvenience to the world. Everyone keeps telling me that “things will get better”, those are probably the worst words I could hear right now. Its not better right now, and until it gets better, I don’t really want to hear about how great things are going to be in a couple of months, I know that they are shitty now. Then I feel guilty for being upset at these people who are trying to be there for me. I get down on myself and say “stop being such a bitch, they are trying to help”. But that other voice in my head is screaming for them to shut up, or trade their lives with mine for a day, and then see how it feels to be told that it will get better soon, and to “keep my chin up”. Eww.

Everything is hard work, getting out of bed, showering, answering emails and phone calls, paying the bills. If I didn’t have to, I would never leave the couch, my ipad and I would sit happily together as I zoned out on stupid television or played mindless games.  Yes, this is the life of a depressed person, but the funny thing is, no one knows it.

 Yes that’s right. I “hold it together” so well that people around me, even my close friends and family, have no idea that inside I am falling apart.  I go to work everyday, and I smile and engage in pointless office chitchat. I go out for a drink with my friends, and ask them about their life and when they ask about mine, I come up with some middle of the road way of saying “oh you know, same ole’”.  I run my company so well that my employees would have no idea that I am dying on the inside. I do pay my bills, I do shower every day, and I do get out of bed. Does that mean I am not depressed? I don’t know. All I know is how I feel, and how everyday I just want to scream so loud about how much pain I am in. I want to slap people across the face that say “Happy Monday” to me. I want to curl up in a ball in the corner and just sob for days on end. But I don’t. I hold it all together. But it adds to my anger. WHY do I have to hold it all together? I don’t know.

    I now understand why people “go insane” and kill a bunch of people (I don’t condone it at all obviously) but I do understand it. They are people like me. People who feel all alone in a world full of so many people. People who are depressed but are so good at holding it together.  I bet there are so many of us out there. So many who you have no idea how sad they are. Unfortunately I do not have a fix or a remedy for this, but in a way, writing this is cathartic for me, because I am finally announcing to the world that I am depressed, and no one has any idea.

                                                                             ~ Anonymous Depressed Person-

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